I Am Not Old
I am slightly upset. If it wasn’t for dancing with Kenny last night, I would be a little more heated.
Cheers to second thinking and rethinking connections.
Bit by bit, I’m becoming more convinced that Berkeley has very little left for me. While the city has yet to lose its charm, the campus itself glows very faintly. Somehow, student life doesn’t seem so appealing any more.
The general meetings, the community work, the ways in which I pass the time.
I’ve been here for a while. No longer do I feel welcome or needed. I find myself talking to students less and less. Not out of dislike, but rather out of distance.
This semester so far has been a constant reminder of how fifth year college students have to make their own space. Rarely do you hear your own peers call attention to the presence of us fifth years. It’s especially painful when your own community calls for class pictures/roll call, and somehow you are forgotten about.
Even at the PAArty yesterday, multiple people came up to me and said, “I love that you’re here Nate. You make me feel so young.” Thanks for checking my age for me. Somehow, I’m still not aware that I am older that most. I’m glad other people can validate my presence for me. I always love it when people do that.
Since when did being almost-23 constitute as old?
In all seriousness though, my only defense for now is joking about the matter. Whenever the issue comes up, I crack my best smile and half-heartedly say, “Heyyyyy Fifth Years!” Doing so usually ends up with me raising my hands all by myself. After all, teasing myself about it eases up the discomfort.
But hear me out: I am not fully okay with this. To be plain, it sucks. Some people tell me that age is but a head game. If you think of it negatively, then it will become a negative factor.
To that, I can see the merit, but it’s not that clean cut. This constant age-checking is preventing me from connecting with others. Some people don’t even consider my own merit or intelligence anymore. “Oh, ask Nate! He’s old. He should know.” Backhanded compliments are still a slap to the face. And these comments sting particularly hard.
I state loud and clear: I am not old.
